Using My Emotions!

May 22, 2013 Emotions, Growth, success 14 comments

boredmanAre you a slave to your emotions, or are you cool, calm and collected in all situations?  Do you react, or are you proactive?  Does life happen to you, or do you happen to life?

I’m guessing that, like me, you probably fall somewhere between the two extremes of each of these instances, with different stimuli causing varying degrees of reaction, some of which you comfortably control and others raising reactions which can even cause you to be surprised.

The dictionary definition of emotion is (taken from Oxford Dictionairies):

  • a strong feeling deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others
  • instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge

The first definition I think we can probably accept without argument, although I find the second definition slightly more challenging as it suggests that we are victims of our emotions with limited capacity to control them, and that’s a notion that I find difficult to accept.

Sometime ago I seemed to come across different versions of the following quotes almost on a daily basis:

“Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but how we react to what happens..”   Wade Boggs,

and this one from Mia Hamm:

“Failure happens all the time.  It happens every day in practice.  What makes you better is how you react to it.”

Having read these and a number of other similar quotes, I began to think carefully about my own reactions and how they were affecting the results I was seeing in my life.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post, Life Changing Words, it’s important to try something new if you’re not seeing the results you want and since I wasn’t happy in all areas of my life, this warranted a little introspection to see what could be changed.

It’s an exciting process to be ‘working on myself’.  I’m quite fascinated, as an external observer, at some of the reactions I have!

Attempting to control, or at least minimise, my reactions to certain stimuli though can be quite difficult, but when I do succeed, it’s worth the effort.  This attempt at emotional (or self) control has become a conscious endeavour to not allow negative (or sometimes positive) emotions to derail my efforts at achieving my goals.

When something or someone bothers me, my immediate response is still generally to react with the ‘appropriate’ emotion, but I’m learning to halt mid-emotion and tell myself not to let it stop me doing the important goal-achieving work I intended to do.  And I’m getting much better at this.

When I first started this journey, my emotional reactions would override my rational responses and the ensuing mood would set in for the next few hours and the work wouldn’t get done.  But now that’s not usually the case.  Whilst the mood itself may still be hanging on to the periphery of my psyche, I force myself through the lethargy or malaise and just do the work.  The upshot is that I feel much better afterwards!

And this really is the reason why we should attempt this attitude shift.  Quite often, when we react negatively to a person or situation, we effectively absolve ourselves of the responsibility to control the outcome of the circumstances.  By allowing our moods to take control we are duped into thinking that we are the victim and that others should make allowances for us or just put things right!  Nothing could be further from the truth.  In any situation, we are 100% responsible for our own reactions.  Expecting that someone else will be able to make good on our behalf is risky at best, and at worst, allows the situation to perpetuate, leaving us with limited options for retraction.

On the other hand, by keeping our emotions level (it may be reasonable to be sad, angry, frustrated, or happy, within reason) and our reactions composed we will be much less likely to cause any longer term harm.  Additionally, we will also be more likely to continue with our plans for that day without constantly feeling like giving up because of the emotional turmoil that surrounds us (if you’ve ever continued a disagreement in your head long after the other person has left, you’ll know what I mean!).  Then, by pushing through our feelings and completing our planned tasks, we will feel much happier and in control.

Now I’m not suggesting for a moment that I have mastered the art of emotional control!  No, sadly I am still very much a student.  But, compared to where I was, there has been improvement.  And really, that’s all I’m aiming for.  I’m confident that by making small, consistent improvements in this area of my life I will see improvements in other areas of my life also.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this article!  Taking some time for this kind of introspection is a valuable activity if it helps us to identify some of our weaker areas; we can then create strategies that help us manage ourselves better.

Do you have any suggestions or thoughts on this topic?  Let us know by leaving a comment!

Photo: seabamirum

 

 

Be Careful What You Wish For!

May 19, 2013 Goals, Growth, Happiness, success 8 comments

fernIn planning today’s blog post, two quotes kept coming to mind:

Wherever you go, there you are.  Unknown, and,

Eighty percent of success is showing up.  Woody Allen

It seems to me that whilst each of these quotes are intertwined, there can be some very negative consequences of not considering the impact each has on the other.

Taking Woody Allen’s quote, you may be wondering who should turn up?  And of course, the answer is ‘me’, but I wonder if that would really be worthwhile if ‘you are everywhere you go’, and that is what I want to explore in today’s blog post.

Wouldn’t it be great to achieve the success we want overnight?  To wake up one morning and all our money worries had gone, our relationships with our families and friends were perfect, our abs were perfectly toned and the sun was always shining!  Unfortunately this perfect world doesn’t exist, although an approximation is achievable provided we ‘show up’ and do the work.

Let’s look at a couple of examples.

If we turn up at the door of a new relationship with all our baggage from previous unsuccessful relationships, what do you think the chances are of this new relationship lasting?

Moving on is often a difficult thing to do after a failed relationship, but why wouldn’t we want to give ourselves the best possible chance of finding happiness in the new relationship?  To do so of course would require a lot of work.  We would need to understand why the previous relationship failed and take responsibility for our part in that failure.  We would also need to learn new strategies so as not to repeat the same sabotaging behaviours in the new relationship.  As a bare minimum, we should at least put our baggage into storage!  If it turns out to be completely necessary to us, then we can get it back out, but in doing so, we really need to question why that’s necessary and what part it plays in the relationship.

As we can see, to go through this work will require a large degree of self analysis and introspection to identify what we want in a relationship, what we bring to the relationship and how it would work.  But failure to do the work, or as Woody Allen puts it, show up, would be a classic case of ‘wherever you go, there you are’ and we would be in danger of re-creating the same issues that caused earlier relationships to fail.

Great relationships are no different to any other type of goal we want to achieve.  To have a happy and loving relationship requires work.  It doesn’t just happen.  As with goals, we should have a vision of what we want to achieve, in other words, what does our happy relationship look like? And then we should show up (work) to ensure that it happens.

Moving on to another large feature of our lives: money.

What if we could put all our money worries behind us by becoming a millionaire lottery winner overnight?  Picture a brand new home, fantastic holidays, any car we desire and time to do anything we please!  But the problem with this picture is that little quote again…wherever you go, there you are.

If we win the lottery (or come by a large sum of money by other means, inheritance, for instance), it’s our circumstances that becomes the millionaire, not US.  The difference appears subtle, but in actuality it’s huge.  In becoming an overnight millionaire, we didn’t show up, we didn’t do the work, and consequently we don’t know how to live like a millionaire.  Clearly, if we don’t know how to live like a millionaire (which means holding on to our money as well as enjoying it), there’s an excellent chance that we will end up where we started.

I wish this were not true, but if you Google ‘lottery winner loses everything’ you will get more than 27 million results!

The truth is, we need to undertake the journey to become the person who needs to show up.  We can’t show up in our successful future wearing the personality we have today.  That will need to change, because today being a millionaire is something we know nothing about, and if we know nothing about the character traits and behaviours of millionaires, how will we know how to behave with our new-found wealth?

So I guess waking up into our perfect life might not be the best way forward.  In truth we must grow into the person we want to be…the kind of person who <fill the gap>, otherwise we will eventually find ourselves right back where we started.

This of course requires work; it requires us to show up.  We may think this is the difficult part, well maybe, but in undertaking the journey and growing into the kind of person we want to be, we will find that actually, it’s not as bad as it first seems, and compared to the alternative, it’s infinitely better.

Of course these are just two examples.  We all need to take the time to think of areas in our lives where we wish we had the answer or circumstances instantly and then go a step further and consider how making gradual changes in this area would improve our lives in some way.  In taking action to move forward, we will then become the person who <fill the gap> and have a much better chance of maintaining our new situation.

So my wish for myself and for everyone who reads this, is not for us to realise the perfect life of our dreams overnight, but instead to wish us all the fortitude to show up, so that wherever we are, we may be the person who….

Are there areas in your life where you are wishing for quick changes?  Is this reasonable?  Could you show up and make a difference?  I love to read your comments so please share your thoughts in the comment box!

 

Photo: David Fulmer

 

5 Things You Should Do To Improve Your Success Rate

May 15, 2013 Belief, Failure, Goals, Growth, Naysayers, success 2 comments

believe

Check out this quick post to see what actions you should take to improve your success rate!

Take Personal Responsibility

Taking personal responsibility is THE number one requirement to achieving personal success.  The saying, “if it’s going to be, it has to be me” is right on point and its application or lack of, will make or break our success.

So what does taking personal responsibility mean?  I’m sure we all believe we take personal responsibility for our lives.  We go to work, pay the bills, get the children to school, arrange our social lives and even indulge in self development through courses at work and books etc, so what could be missing?

Well, we fail in the personal responsibility arena when we are guilty of blaming others and making excuses.  Using either of these tactics will look like defensiveness to others, which in itself is not a particularly endearing characteristic.  But more importantly, by shifting the blame onto others or the circumstances (deemed to be) outside our control, we are removing our ability to grow from the situation, and, if we don’t grow then we will be unable to demonstrate improved performance the next time we find ourselves in a similar situation.

The second major area where we often fail is in our inability to control our emotions.  Reacting emotionally to difficult situations generally has the effect of escalating the perceived problem, resulting in more remedial work to do in the future to resolve things.

There is no easy way to deal with our emotional inclinations.  We simply need to understand ourselves better, by carrying out a little introspection so that we recognise our emotional triggers sooner.  If we can do this, then we will be able to place a momentary barrier between our emotional reaction and the circumstances, thereby creating some thinking space.  Sometimes this will work, other times it won’t, but the important thing to realise is that we are responsible for our reaction – not the person or thing that caused the circumstance to arise.  By taking this responsibility back on ourselves, it will enable us to have more control over the final outcome.

Believe in Yourself

Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.  Henry Ford

If there’s something you want to have or to achieve, then you must believe that you can reach your desired result.  The reason this is so very important is that if you have any doubt at all that you won’t make it through to your planned outcome, you will gradually slow down and eventually give up as each problem and obstacle is thrown into your path.

Some people see obstacles as signs that they are doing something wrong, rather than viewing them as opportunities to learn something new.  Instead we should view obstacles and problems as opportunities to stretch ourselves so that we become the type of person who has the wanted item or achieves the goal.

Learn to Embrace Failure

Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.  C S Lewis

Are you afraid to start in case you fail?  Do you think that failure is a sign that you should now stop what you are doing?  Many people believe the answer to these questions is ‘yes’ and therefore never get started on their goals.

If we were born with all the knowledge and ability necessary to get to where we wanted to be, then naturally failure would be a sign that we should stop what we’re doing, but of course, this isn’t the case at all.  We ‘fail’ at things because we are learning how to do them, and we will continue to ‘fail’ until such time as we have learned sufficient mastery to move on to the next stage of the journey.  Therefore punishing ourselves for failing is unreasonable in this context.  In fact, we should be celebrating our ability to try, fail, improve, fail, improve further and then succeed!  How else could we succeed?  There is no other way!

So make failure your friend.  Look for opportunities to fail, or better still, see it as looking for opportunities to grow both your skills and knowledge.

Ignore the Naysayers

If people tell you it can’t be done, or look at you like you’re from another planet when you tell them about your goals, then there’s a good chance that you’re on to something big!

People love to share their negative or less-than-encouraging opinions with us.  They love to tell us about all the things that could go wrong, where our limitations lie and all the other people who have tried and failed.  The chances are also very high that they’ve never done what you’re trying to do.  For this reason alone, my best advice is to ignore their advice!  On the other hand, if they have some useful feedback based on experience, then this might be worth considering, but only inasmuch as you use it as a lesson to improve your chances of success.

Remember the words of Mahatma Gandhi whenever you’re being waylaid by the Naysayers:

“First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win.”

Know Where You’re Going

Do you know what your ideal life looks like, or is it just a case of you just know it’s not this?  This is quite a dilemma for many people as they haven’t taken the time to identify what their ideal life looks like.  They’re so deeply involved in and conditioned by their current circumstances that they never take a peek to see what it could actually look like in the future.

Of course, the outcome of this is twofold, firstly we don’t know what we’re aiming for, and secondly we won’t know when we’ve got ‘there’!

Even if you only make a rudimentary stab at what you want in the future, it’s far better than doing nothing and just leaving it to chance.  In any event, by taking just a little time to picture our desired future, we will be opening our imagination to more input.  This will then help the process to develop over time until our future becomes clearer and clearer in our minds eye.

So there you have it, five things that, if you took action on them, would seriously improve your chances of success.  Why not give them a try?

Which of the five poses the greatest challenge to you and which do you think is easiest to implement?  Please let me know by leaving a comment!

 

Photo: SweetOnVeg

 

 

 

How To Get Motivated!

May 12, 2013 Motivation, Procrastination 4 comments

wavesMotivation could be the subject of many blog posts as it’s such a wide-ranging subject, so this post is only really going to scratch the surface, but, as with anything in life, you have to start somewhere!

We think of motivation as something we either have or have not, something that can come to us in waves which carry us along for unspecified periods of time, but that often ride out in the end, just like a wave crashes onto the shore.  Or maybe we don’t consider ourselves to be a motivated person at all, just getting by on the humdrum of life and not making any real progress to speak of.

Something else that we need to consider is that motivation and procrastination are two sides of the same coin.   One day you can toss the coin and motivation turns up, other days, no matter how many times you toss the coin, it always falls on the side of procrastination.  I’ve explored procrastination in an earlier post, and you will doubtless see some similarities in this post, but recognising each side of this magical coin will help you to identify your triggers so that you can more often flip on the side of motivation.

So what exactly is motivation?  Here are two definitions I particularly like.

From Wikipedia:  Motivation is an inner drive to behave or act in a certain manner;

And from the Oxford Dictionary:

[Motivation is] a reason or reasons for acting or behaving in a particular way.

The thing I like about both these definitions is that the former refers to the ‘inner drive’ to do something and the latter refers to the ‘reasons’ for doing something, which of course could be both internal and external.

So where does our ‘inner drive’ come from?  I believe the inner drive comes from identifying our reasons for wanting to achieve something in the first place.  In motivational-speak, this is our ‘why’.  If we know why we want to achieve something and that why is particularly important to us, then the theory goes that our inner drive will engage and we will pick up momentum in the direction of our desired outcomes.

So if this is the case, then it should also be true that if our why is not true to ourselves, then whilst we may be initially engaged due to the excitement of the moment, we are unlikely to follow through in the longer term as our motivational wave will hit the shore too early and dissipate.

It’s important to be aware of this, because sometimes we’re very hard on ourselves when we don’t follow through on our stated goals.  We may feel embarrassed for our ‘failures’ and consequently delay trying something else.  But it’s quite likely that behind this ‘failure’ to follow through was a weak ‘why’.  It sounded good at the time of inception, but it wasn’t really what we wanted to do or have, or, possibly circumstances have changed since committing to the goal and we now need to amend our direction of travel.

But it’s important to realise that we can actually take control over our motivation levels.  In the end, it comes down to taking control of our thinking.  If we believe that we will procrastinate, then we probably will.  We’ll visualise ourselves doing the things we would normally do, like watching tv, chatting on the phone or surfing the internet.  These actions will very familiar to us, and as we know, familiarity is comfort and comfort is the zone we prefer to be in most of the time!  Bingo!  Procrastination!

By contrast, to remain motivated to do something that is unfamiliar, we have to step outside our comfort zone.  We’ll be thinking actions into being which we are not familiar with.  This not only takes effort, but actually requires innovative thought as we’re not likely to have executed these thoughts previously.  In other words, we will be moving outside our usual routines and comfort zones.

So with all of this in mind, what techniques can we use to become and stay motivated?  This is a difficult question of course, because some things will work for some people but not for others.  Also, some things will be affected by our moods!  Did you ever hear yourself saying or thinking…”oh, I just can’t be bothered..!”, well this one is probably driven by our mood, rather than anything else significant!

But anyway, here are a few hints and tips.  Use them as and when they are needed!

Be ‘Publicly’ Accountable

This is by far my biggest tip on getting and keeping motivated!  Once you publicly declare that you plan to do something, it can be pretty difficult to then publicly capitulate.   I use this technique every day on my facebook page to publicly declare my goal actions for the day and then to report back on my progress…or lack of!  I dare anyone to try this method and fail to at least achieve some momentum…give it a try!

But for anyone who finds this idea a little too public, why not buddy up with a friend and let them know what your plans are and then keep each other accountable?

Get like Zig!

There’s a fantastic quote from Zig Ziglar about motivation:

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last.  Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily!”

So how can you get a daily dose of motivation?  Well how about subscribing to a few websites or facebook pages that give you a daily motivational quote.  Or maybe find the stories and inspiration that works for you and set up a montage as your desktop wall paper, or even print it off and keep it where you will see it daily.  Alternatively post your goals where you will see them daily as a reminder of what you’re trying to achieve!

Write a ‘To Do’ List

Sometimes it’s hard to get motivated simply because there are too many tasks vying for our attention.  Writing them all down helps to clarify our thoughts and pinpoint those that we really need to do.  Peppering this list with things we want to do too will help to keep our motivation higher as there will be a mix of should dos and want to dos.  Just remember to use this technique wisely.

Write a Bigger Plan

Linked to your ‘to do’ list should be a longer term plan.  Sometimes the act of writing out and visualising our longer term plans is motivating in itself and therefore propels us into action.

Accept that sometimes you need a break

Don’t beat yourself up for days when procrastination is at the helm.  Sometimes that’s just our body and mind telling us that it’s time to take a break.  Taking a break will allow us to recharge and come back feeling more motivated.  Also bear in mind that when we take a break, our subconscious will continue to work on our goals and we will receive new insights when we take control of the helm again.

Don’t Double the Workload

Finally, when you have had a day’s break – either by choice or through procrastination, don’t plan to make up for the deficit that you’ve created.  Planning to ‘punish’ yourself by insisting on a double-the-effort comeback is a sure-fire way to more procrastination.

Instead, just pick up where you left off and carry on.  If, by some happy chance your motivation is particularly high when you get back to your goals, then by all means ride the wave and keep going, but if it’s not, well that’s fine too.  Just do what you planned and leave it at that til the next day.  We’re after progress, not perfection.

As I mentioned at the start of this post, this really is just a short tour of motivation!  I could write much more and provide lots more motivation techniques.  But, since this post has already rambled on far too long, I’ll draw it to a close here but I’ll do a separate list or motivational techniques in the future.

What have been your best and worst motivational techniques?  Please share and let us know!

 

Photo: Don DeBold

 

 

 

How to set BIG Goals!

May 8, 2013 Belief, Goals, Growth 10 comments

waterskiDavid J Schwartz, author of The Magic of Thinking Big sets us a challenge in his quote: “Think little goals and expect little achievements.  Think big goals and win big achievements.”

A great idea, but for many of us setting big goals is much easier said than done!

I think part of the problem with cajoling ourselves to make big goals, is our lack of belief in our ability to create a big, planned outcome.  These big ideas and plans are alien to us because they are so far removed from the world we live in right now, consequently it’s a huge mental leap to see ourselves living a completely (albeit desired) different life.  Additionally, for a lot of people, if they don’t know all the steps that are required to get to their ultimate outcome, then they’d rather not start.

So how can we overcome this inertia and actually make big goals, but fool ourselves into thinking that they aren’t as outlandish as they appear?  The trick, as we all know is to take baby steps, but again, this can be problematic if we’re not prepared to look far enough ahead and actually acknowledge that there is a big goal out there, somewhere in the future.  The technique I like to use is to think in stages, starting from “now” and then building on this.  Here’s a simple table of how building the goal iteratively might look, along with an indication of the possible timeframe:

Small Goal (short term) Bigger Goal (medium term) Biggest Goal (long term)
Within the next year Within the next 2 – 5 years Within the next 3 – 10 years

If we think of our goals in these three easy categories – small, bigger and biggest, with each of these time markers being something like ‘within the next year’; within the next 2 – 5 years’ and ‘within the next 3 – 10 years’ respectively, this gives us a comfortable place to start.  But there’s one more thing to consider before jumping in and attempting to define some big (long term) goals.  Many people, when they set goals, make them too vague.  For example here are the top five ‘goals’ taken from the 43 Things website :

  1. Lose weight
  2. Write a book
  3. Stop procrastinating
  4. Fall in love
  5. Be happy

So let’s see if we can populate the boxes with some goals and the possible ways they can be grown to bigger and biggest goals.

‘Vague Goal’

Big

Bigger

Biggest
Lose weight
  • Get down to desired weight.
  • Sign up for and complete a recognised course in nutrition.
  • Successfully complete a marathon.
  •  To be running a highly successful private exercise and nutrition consultancy to the stars.
Write a book
  • Complete my book and submit to literary agents
  •  Be a New York Times Bestselling Author
  • To be ‘in demand’ by media/tv companies for interviews and special guest appearances to discuss my best selling books. 
Stop procrastinating
  • Identify my procrastination triggers (I don’t procrastinate over everything!)
  • Based on above, change my habits one at a time to improve my delivery on personally allotted tasks
  •  Commit to other people to deliver projects and tasks on time.
  •  To achieve my desired goal of.. any one or more of the others specified here!
Fall in love
  • Spend time discovering what I desire in a life partner.
  • Spend time discovering what such a life partner would be looking for in me.
  • Build and nurture all my relationships based on this new found knowledge.
  • Be the person that my desired partner will find attractive.

(Treat others how I would like to be treated.)
  • To be happily married
Be happy
  • Learn to accept that being happy is not ‘an accident’ and discover my personal happiness drivers.
  •  Actively exercise my new found knowledge of happiness until it becomes a natural part of my personality.
  •  Having found my happiness, share the joy with the world through a self-made website, books and interviews.
Timeframe

Within the next year

Within the next 2 – 5 years

Within the next 3 – 10 years

Now, let’s just re-write those goals as if they were your long term goals, or your biggest goals:

  1. Lose weight –> To be running a highly successful private exercise and nutrition consultancy to the stars.
  2. Write a book –> To be  ‘in demand’ by media/tv companies for interviews and special guest appearances to discuss my best selling books.
  3. Stop procrastinating –> To easily achieve my desired goals in life.
  4. Fall in love –> To be happily married.
  5. Be happy –> To be a catalyst for happiness throughout the world.

It’s easy to see that there is a significant gap between the original ‘vague goal’ and the final ‘biggest goal’.  In fact, if you put them side by side they might appear unrelated.  However, the trick is to build the stepping stones in between, ie, the big, bigger and finally biggest steps.

After completing this exercise, it’s then just a question of designing a series of actions that will bring you closer to your first milestone (within 1 year) and following through on these actions.  From there, move on to the next stage (2 – 5 years), repeating the process and tweaking and adjusting as necessary to remain moving in the right direction.  Finally, move on to the third stage, and the period between 3 and 10 years…your ‘biggest’ goals; plan your actions and take action.  By the time you reach this stage it’s likely that you will have already made even bigger plans and the life you dreamed of a few years ago will be appearing all around you!

So if you’re having trouble identifying your big goals, give this iterative technique a try.  Start with a rough sketch of the plan and just fill in the gaps.  Allow your mind to play with as many drafts of your goals as you like until you finally start to feel excited about the potential of your long-term, biggest goals!

Please let me know how you get on in the comments section.  I’d love to hear what you think of this technique!

Photo: Tate Johnson

Could we be any happier?

May 5, 2013 Growth, Happiness 6 comments

dogI recently ran a poll on my facebook page which asked my readers which one out of four categories (health, money, happiness or time) they would like to have or experience more of (feel free to add your vote!).

It was interesting to see that happiness was in third place out of the four categories, with time and health being more popular and money having no votes at all.  Now, given that over 200 people saw the poll, but only 12 people voted, I guess I can’t call it a scientifically proven observation, but for the purposes of putting a blog post together, I find the results quite interesting.

Did the results indicate that happiness isn’t as elusive as we’re led to believe?  In other words, we are happy, after all; or, the flipside interpretation could be telling us that if we had better health and more time, we’d feel happier.  In reality I put the poll up just for fun, and my observations are just that and don’t take into account the context in which the choice was made so it’s difficult to draw any sound conclusions, but let’s just explore the concept of happiness.

So what is happiness and what makes us happy?  Happiness is one of those strange, personal, intangible things that we often don’t notice we’ve experienced until the moment has passed.  It’s often compared to catching butterflies, but actually I think a better description would be catching faeries which (depending on your beliefs) are illusory and intangible and to the best of my knowledge have never been caught.  They reside only in our imagination and maybe that’s where happiness dwells also, forming part of our perceptions of our life experiences?

It’s customary for us to look to external stimuli to make us happy, for example does waking up on a sunny day make us feel happy?

Living in the UK, sunny days feel quite rare and as a consequence, when the sun shines, it has the effect of lifting my mood appreciably.  And I know I’m not unique in having this view, even my 18-year-old daughter commented that ‘everyone feels happier when the sun shines’.  But maybe that doesn’t hold true in climates where the sunshine is the rule rather than the exception?

Anticipation can also arouse feelings of happiness in us.  Quite often these can be the simple things like planning an evening of me-time and pampering, plans to see a new movie or even just the anticipation of waiting for the lottery numbers to be drawn.  The problem with anticipation though is that the outcome can be positive or negative.

Have you ever had the experience of looking forward with excitement and anticipation to, say, a holiday, but the experience never actually lived up to your expectations.  Consequently you felt sad and maybe even resentful?

We should be wary to avoid placing too much significance on the ability of external experiences to make us happy.  If the weather was a driver for our happiness then we’d always be happy on a sunny day and sad on a cloudy day.  But as we know, this isn’t the case as we can experience either emotion, regardless of the weather.

Similarly, meeting up with friends can be great fun and make us happy or it can leave us feeling tired and drained if the friend had some bad news to share.

One would hope of course that most of our external interactions leave us feeling happy, but, as this isn’t always the case it’s important to find out the things which, to a large extent, we can control and which can make us happy.

Speaking form a personal perspective, it’s important to my happiness to experience personal growth.  I love to learn.  Pushing my personal boundaries is part of who I am and at times when I’ve shied away from doing the things that are part of the authentic me, in other words, when I’ve limited myself, I’ve felt an underlying feeling of guilt, frustration, incompleteness and general sadness.

On the other hand, when I’ve forced myself to take a step into the unknown and to face my fears, I’ve usually felt exhilarated at the outcome, even if the outcome was dreadful!  The fact that I’ve addressed my issues and grown beyond them fills me with ‘excited-happiness’, of feeling like I could pop like a balloon at any moment!

And then there are the feelings of ‘contented-happiness’.  This kind of happiness is characterised by quiet, self realisation.  The best descriptive word I could find was a feeling of sereneness.  It’s that contentment we feel when everything just seems to fit together, the waters are calm and there’s no expectation of a storm that will create unwelcome ripples.  These feelings are as welcome as those we experience when we’re ‘excited-happy’ and they help to balance our experiences of happiness.

Clearly then it’s important to define the difference between internally and externally generated activities because it can have a profound effect on our long-term happiness and wellbeing.

If our happiness is determined by something or someone external to ourselves, then we will always run the risk of being unhappy.  We are all personally responsible for our own wellbeing, both physically and mentally.  As Jim Rohn so aptly put it – “No one can do your push-ups for you”,  and in this context relying on someone else to make and keep us happy is a recipe for disaster.

As humans we need to keep moving.  When we fail to act and progress we become reliant on others for our sense of self-worth and we can become needy. We need others to provide the value to our existence instead of projecting it from within.  Productivity and progress gives us the personal ammunition to do this, otherwise we continually beat ourselves up for all the things we haven’t done.

The antidote then is to take action, take control.  There are two things we must do therefore, and they are:

  • Determine what makes us happy, and,
  • Determine what makes us unhappy.

In simple terms, we must do more of the former and less of the latter.  In fact, for things that make us unhappy, we should aim to remove it from our lives altogether, or, where this is not possible (I’m fully aware that we all have commitments that make us less than happy!) we should aim to either reduce the amount of time we spend doing it, or do something to reduce the impact it has on our lives.

And here’s why we gain so much from taking control and making progress in our own lives.  This is some feedback I’ve received recently from a friend I’ve been working with; I think it speaks for itself!

“so it’s a really Happy Monday!  (I’d almost forgotten what it is like to feel like this….I’m liking it!)”

“…now I’ve had a taste of that wonderful/light/hair blowing in the breeze/free spirited/mountain goat like feeling (aka happy – you get my drift!!) it’s motivated me to get to that place more often!”

I hope you’ve enjoyed and maybe been a little bit challenged by this post!  Happiness is a serious subject and we all deserve to experience it as often as possible.  Happiness doesn’t happen by accident, so if you’re not feeling it often enough, have a look to see where you can make changes.

As always, I love to read your comments, so please let me know what your thoughts are on happiness!

Photo: Liz West

 

Do You Need A Lucky Break?

May 1, 2013 Growth, Opportunity 4 comments

ChessThere’s a natural tendency amongst some to assume that when they see someone successful, it’s because they’ve been lucky in some way – they had wealthy parents or they inherited or won a sizeable sum of money.   And, for some people this may be true, but how many times have we heard of children of wealthy parents going off the rails or squandering the family fortune, or people who win millions on the lottery ending up only a few short years later, back where they started?  Considered from this angle, then it doesn’t look quite so lucky!

But as we know, luck isn’t actually luck at all, and as Seneca tells us…

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity”. 

Consider the recent London Olympics.  How much could lucky-to-have ‘natural talent’ have contributed to the gold medals received by the winning athletes?   Well there’s no doubt that these athletes are talented, but a much larger part of their success was due to the relentless work they put in in the years leading up to the Olympics.

Malcolm Gladwell, author of ‘Outliers’ believes that we need to put in around 10,000 hours of practice in our chosen field to reach the highest levels of success.   That’s a lot of time.  To put this into context, we would need to practice for at least 4 hours a day, seven days a week for eight years to achieve the mastery that Gladwell is referring to!  For most of us that seems completely out of the question, and in reality, without the support of our families, it’s unlikely that we could commit to that level of input at an early age.

But other things are also required, probably at an early age, to achieve this kind of mastery.  Along with the ability to persist in the face of obstacles and temporary failure, these athletes needed to have a clear vision of what they wanted to achieve.  After all, it’s pointless racing towards something that isn’t defined.  How would we know that we had succeeded?  Would we just keep going?

Perhaps knowing what our ‘passion’ is and then taking active steps to achieve it is the lucky part of the equation.  It’s sometimes difficult to know what will make us happy and this therefore creates uncertainty and maybe unwillingness to pursue our ‘dream’.

‘I always knew I wanted to be a…<fill the gap>’ is something we hear occasionally.

But I’m often surprised that, despite knowing what we want, so many of us either delay or fail altogether to intentionally move in the direction of our most desired outcome, and in its place we become inert, allowing the herd to carry us along instead.  Part of this, of course, is our basic human need to fit in, to feel that we ‘belong’.  It can be counterintuitive in these circumstances to pursue our dreams since this is likely to be different to the things everyone else (in our social circle) is doing, and in taking action on our goals, we will inevitably move outside the herd.

Staying with the analogy of the herd, stepping away is scary and potentially dangerous too.  With a reduced, or even worse, no, support mechanism, any failures will be felt acutely.  Furthermore, we will have nobody to blame but ourselves and only ourselves to rely upon when trying to make a recovery.  But it’s not all bad news.  When we move beyond our current circumstances and start making inroads into our desires, we will surely meet new people who will share our new found interest.  These people will help and encourage us and if we allow ourselves to become part of this new herd, we will find the support we need.

So if you’ve started on your journey to your success, don’t be afraid to push outside the boundaries set by your herd.  I can assure you that this will feel uncomfortable, if not downright awful when you realise that you no longer quite fit, or you no longer comfortably belong.  But this is part of growing, and in the process of growing you will become a person who fits within a new herd, with a new and different outlook which complements your new life.

The transition may take a while, but it’s worth bearing with your evolution so that you may become a fuller version of yourself.  More you, more authentic.  And as for the requirement to put your 10,000 hours in to achieve mastery, well why not?  It might take a little longer than eight years, but in my opinion, as long as we’re making progress, the time it takes is irrelevant as somewhere during that preparation, your lucky break is going to turn up!

I hope you’ve enjoyed my latest post.  As always I look forward to reading your comments.  Why not let us know when you have experienced a ‘lucky break’ due to preparation?  Please share your experiences of this important topic!

 

Photo: Mike Baird

April Monthly Roundup!

April 30, 2013 Monthly Roundup 12 comments

webIf you’ve been thinking to yourself that all this blogging and information about success, goals, thinking, persistence etc etc is all a bit disjointed, well you could be right!  Each of the topics I’ve covered so far will stand on its own two feet, but there’s far more to be gained by considering the links between each topic, how they support each other and how combining a few together can actually move things on much quicker that just doing one thing in isolation.

Let’s start by taking a look at my first post: Are You Successful?  This post emphasised the importance of living your life according to your standards, not someone else’s.  It’s so easy for others to  inadvertently place expectations on us and then we feel compelled to live up (or down) to these expectations, but unfortunately, if we don’t actually feel aligned with these external goals, then trying to live up to them will only make us unhappy.

This post actually links in with the post entitled : Whose Goals are they Anyway? where I explored the idea that if we don’t set and follow our own goals, we’ll fall into other people’s goals and plans at the expense of our own desires.  So if you want your life to be successful, then think carefully about your goals and prioritise these ahead of the demands of others.

With these two posts in mind, check back over my post on April 7th when I wrote about actually Setting Your Goals for Success, and shared how I think about setting my goals – I make sure to consider that they will add balance to my life – before breaking each one down into smaller tasks spread out over my days, weeks and months to ensure I take consistent action.  Have you tried this yet?

I then took a great quote from Henry Ford in the first of a series of posts: Life Changing Words: The Quotes Series.  Mr Ford reminds us that if we want change in our lives, then we need to change our actions, otherwise we’ll just get more of the same thing!

Moving on to what we need if we’re to successfully achieve our goals, I looked at the idea of persistence in the post entitled Can We Be Too Headstrong.  This is a major key in goal success.  Sometimes we have to persist in the face of huge obstacles, which is why so many people give up.  Don’t be one of them!

And on the flipside here are the things which we need to avoid: Staying on Track: How to Recognise Your Distractions and don’t let Procrastination slow you down!  Also look out for your Light Bulb Moments and don’t let them dim and power down in front of your eyes!

Finally, keep thinking your way to success and take action accordingly.  Your time is now and you owe it to yourself to use The Time of your life!

Is this a useful summary to check out what’s been covered each month?  Please let me know in the comments! 

Photo: Mike Baird

 

Are you thinking your way to success or failure?

April 28, 2013 Belief, Goals 14 comments

GrassDo you ever wonder about the millions of thoughts and stimuli that cross your mind on a daily basis? The ‘background chatter’ or the ‘little voice in your head’ which is always switched on.     Sometimes the chatter is completely random and as quickly as thoughts come to mind, they simply disappear again, sometimes against our will…”I was going to tell you something, but it’s gone…”, and sometimes they stick, whether they’re good or bad, and there appears to be very little we can do to dislodge them, think of a song you don’t like, for example!

In the bestselling book ‘Think and Grow Rich’ by Napoleon Hill, he states that “Thoughts are things”, which on first reading sounds more than a little strange, after all, thoughts aren’t tangible and they don’t exist in the physical world, so how can they be ‘things’?  But, if we explore the concept a little further, and apply real-life examples to this notion, perhaps I can convince you that Mr Hill’s argument actually holds some truth.

It’s actually more the case that we are driven to behave in line with the thoughts which are predominant or most relentless in our minds.  Furthermore, it doesn’t really matter whether this is doing us good or ill, if we’re not consciously controlling our thoughts we will act accordingly.

However, there is a very positive side to this theory and that is that if we can control and channel our thoughts so that they are in line with the goals we want to achieve, then we can surely improve our chances of success.

But, by the very nature of being human, our existing thoughts (aka our beliefs) have been rattling around our brains for the whole time we’ve been on the planet, and therefore, our brains will automatically take the easiest (most familiar) choice when faced with a decision.  In other words, if we fail to actively walk the ‘correct’ road consciously (think the correct thoughts) often and persistently enough, our brains will automatically choose the familiar path and we will get more of our familiar results.  Good or bad.

This is why making changes to our life is so difficult.  Let’s take the example of attempting to lose weight.

When we decide we’re going to lose weight or get fit, we’ll imbue our intentions with lots of positive emotion and energy.  We’ll be enthusiastic and keen to get started.  Our friends will also encourage us, lending us even more positive emotion and energy.  Things begin well and in the first couple of weeks we make excellent progress.

Then progress begins to slow, and sometimes stop temporarily.  This is discouraging and our emotional high diminishes and probably becomes a bit flat or even negative.  Without the aid of the chemical rush (the endorphins from our original enthusiasm), there’s a danger that we will revert to our hitherto habitual (familiar) behaviour.

This is how it might go:  we’re feeling a bit low and discouraged plus we’re hungry.  Pre-diet, we would have reached for our favourite snack (chocolate, crisps…) which would’ve given us a temporary emotional lift out of our despondent mood.  At this immediate point our will power is low, in other words, we’re acting unconsciously and allowing our thoughts to fall into old patterns of behaviour.  We start fixating on the taste and smell of the chocolate bar, the feeling of it melting in our mouths and the pleasure sensations we feel when we enjoy the chocolate.  Without intervention (we need a distraction, a new thought, and quickly!) the next thing we know we’re half way through the chocolate.

Can you see from this example how our thoughts have indeed become things!  Ponder this idea for a little while and see if you can identify times when a fixated thought has resulted in it becoming your reality.

So how can we put the idea of thoughts being things to work for us instead of against us?

The important thing is for us to be mindful of our thoughts and how they are influencing our behaviour.  In addition, it’s important to realise that we can control and sway our thoughts; we’re not just at their mercy!  We can choose to dislodge the unwelcome thoughts and change the stream of narrative we’re experiencing.

There are many ways to do this, and what suits some, will not work for others, but here are some things that have worked and are working for me:

Reading

In order to think differently, we need to put different information into our minds in the first place!  I tend to read a lot of non-fiction books as I want to stretch my understanding of the things I experience and why I react in certain ways.  This may not work for you, but, if you have something that is troubling you, it’s worth taking a look to see what books are out there on the subject.  Sometimes just reading about someone else’s experiences can help to change and challenge your thought patterns and therefore your behaviour and outcomes.  As anyone who visits my facebook page will know, I also make full use of audio books!

Affirmations

I’ve been using affirmations for many years to ‘re-programme’ my way of thinking.  Some of these I’ve bought through CD programmes and others I’ve downloaded from Youtube.  There’s a huge selection of material available which covers every topic you could possibly think of – self-esteem, personal organisation, wealth, improving skills such as golfing and public speaking etc.  The beauty of this method is that it’s so easy!  You can actively or passively listen and it will be effective, just don’t expect overnight results.

Watching or Listening to Something Different

Watching or listening to talks given by people who are already living the life you want to live will help to instil their thoughts and therefore their behaviour into your repertoire.  You could check TED Talks (I like the humour in this talk by Shaun Achor) or Youtube to find your favourite people or genre.  Alternatively, if you want to be funny like Jim Carrey, then watching his movies will help you pick up on his techniques; similarly, if you want to play better tennis, watching how Serena Williams plays and adopting some of her style will improve your tennis playing.

Meditation

Meditation is a great way to calm the constant chatter.  Again there are many resources available online to help learn the techniques, but even closing your eyes and concentrating on breathing slowly has the effect of calming oneself.  Some people find meditation quite difficult to master, but there’s no need to be a master, benefit will be found in just a few minutes of slow, conscious breathing.

There is no one-size-fits all, it’s just a matter of trying different things.  However, the most important thing is to realise that controlling your thoughts is your decision.  The more aware and active you become in doing this, the more control you will have over the outcome of your life choices.

I urge you to put this concept to the test, because the changes you will see will be amazing!

I love to hear your thoughts! Share your thoughts in the comments box and let us know if you’ve tried any of these techniques?  Did they help?  What else has helped you turn off the chattering or is it still a chattering away?

Photo:  D Sharon Pruitt

 

 

 

 

 

The Quote Series: Procrastination

April 24, 2013 Distractions, Procrastination, Quote Series 2 comments

ProcrastinationToday I’m going back to basics and taking a look at procrastination through the eyes of a number of influential and/or famous people.

Procrastination is a problem for a lot of people.  Sometimes it’s just an occasional problem but for others it can be a chronic habit that causes difficulties in many areas of their lives.

Napoleon Hill describes procrastination in terms that we will all find familiar:

Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday. 

Like many people, I recognise myself in this quote, although I don’t procrastinate over everything.  Some tasks are appealing enough in their own way and I need nothing more than for the task to present itself for me to take action.  But sometimes, even tasks that I find appealing fall out of favour and I find myself putting things off.

Why do we procrastinate?

I love this quote from Christopher Parker which illustrates one of the reasons why we procrastinate:

Procrastination is like a credit card: it’s a lot of fun until you get the bill.

Imagine all the fun, exciting or relaxing things we can be doing instead of getting on with the task that we know we should be doing.  By ‘should’, I don’t mean things like getting the washing up done or washing the car.  Instead I’m thinking of those things that will bring us longer term enjoyment and gratification.  Our problem is that we’ve become a generation who are obsessed with instant gratification.  If it doesn’t please us right now, then we don’t want to wait, consequently taking action on our long term goals is delayed.  We take our fun now, and then have to live with the long term consequences.

And here’s another reason why we may procrastinate according to Erica Jong:

We are so scared of being judged that we look for every excuse to procrastinate.

We put off doing the things we want to do because we’re scared of being judged by others, or maybe we just don’t want to stand out from the crowd.  We all want to fit in, and if we’re going to do that, then we will have to do the same as everyone else.  In other words, we’ll have to remain average.  Stepping away from the crowd will cause others to judge, it’s inevitable, because, frankly, anything or anyone who is different will draw attention and judgement.  Our choice is therefore whether we’re happy to live with this and get on with creating the life we want, or whether we’re happier being average Joe.  It’s our choice.

Why we shouldn’t procrastinate

If you want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, just keep putting off doing it. Says Olin Miller

Have you ever experienced this?  The longer you leave a task, the bigger and uglier it becomes?  Sometimes this is because in our minds it becomes a bigger and bigger monster, but sometimes it really does become a little more difficult each day, like old food caking onto dishes that need washing.  We should always try to remember this when we know we’re putting something off.

Or what about this quote from Victor Kiam:

Procrastination is opportunity’s assassin. 

This is probably one of the worst outcomes of procrastination: preparation failure.  A promotion opportunity arrives but we’ve neglected to update our skills, a holiday of a lifetime with some of our best friends is being organised but we haven’t saved any money, or there’s a great party being thrown but we’ve neglected a homework deadline.

It’s easy to see all the reasons we procrastinate, and also some of the reasons why it is so important to get this habit under control.  Below I’ve given some simple hints and tips to help overcome procrastination.  You probably know these tips or variations of them, but, by the nature of procrastination, we need to be reminded often!

Accountability

I find being accountable for my planned actions the best anti-procrastination technique of all, and furthermore, being publicly accountable is best.  Knowing that I have to provide a daily or weekly account of my progress really gets me moving.  There’s nothing I hate more than having to publicly declare that I’ve failed to progress on a given day or week!

Just Start!

Starting is often the most difficult part to overcoming procrastination.  Quite often when we get moving, we’re happy to continue, so the trick is to find something that will motivate us to just get going.  This could be by setting a timer for 5 to 15 minutes and allowing ourselves to stop at the end (if we still want to), or rewarding ourselves for taking action (but keep the reward commensurate with the actions!), or sometimes it helps to read a couple of quick blogs (or check out youtube) about people who are doing what you want to do so that you are ‘contaminated’ by their enthusiasm and are enthused to get going yourself!

Simplify

Sometimes we procrastinate because we have to decide between competing options.  My way of dealing with this is to schedule the tasks I want or need to do, either to a time of day or day of the week. When doing this, it’s important to write your plans at a time when you’re relaxed so that you can capture all the things you need to do.  If you fail to get everything in, you will have created another competing decision!

Prepare

Similar to simplify, preparation can be key to avoiding procrastination.  If there are things you need to do to enable the task to happen, cover these off well ahead of the task itself.  A simple example is to have your running gear right by the side of your bed so that you dress to run immediately you get up in the morning.

Another example could be mental preparation – visualise yourself doing and enjoying the task before you start.  For example if you plan to decorate a room on the weekend, for a few days leading up to the weekend visualise yourself carrying out the task, successfully taking each step and enjoying the process.  Also see yourself appreciating your achievements and congratulating  yourself when the task is completed.  This may sound a little weird, but it really does help!

This has been a whistle-stop tour of procrastination.  It’s an easy concept, but a broad and wide-ranging subject, but I hope I’ve managed to convey to you that it affects everyone, even the influential and famous!  I also hope that you will find the hints and tips useful.

 

Please leave a comment with your thoughts on procrastination and also any hints and tips you have which may help me and everyone else who calls by!  Or if you prefer you can leave a comment on my facebook page.

 

Photo: Charles Hutchins

 

 

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